Christmas is nearly here bringing with it the usual exhaustion, joys and agonising over what to buy it always does. It is the time of year where the emphasis on being a ‘happy family’ is possibly at its greatest. Every family is unique and complex and likely to have times when family members don’t get on with each other. The Christmas expectation is that all ill feeling should be put aside, so everyone can enjoy Christmas together. This can be challenging, if not impossible for most families, but however difficult, we do tend to put ourselves through it each year. Big family gatherings are organised, usually with plenty of food and alcohol provided, giving the opportunity for bridges to be built, but equally could also worsen any existing conflict.
Living in a blended family can add to the complexities of organising a happy Christmas. There is already a multitude of hurdles to overcome in order to bring everyone together successfully, so the coordination of transporting children between separated parents during the Christmas period can only add to the stresses.
Some separated parents who have managed an amicable parting might choose to spend at least some of Christmas Day together, as a family. For some children this might be a really positive experience, reminding them of happy times when the family all lived together. For others, it might invite more difficult emotions. If there had been conflict between parents on the lead up to their parting, the idea of both of them spending any amount of time together, might feel quite stressful in case an argument might start.
For younger children, particularly if the breakup is quite recent, spending Christmas Day together as a family can be quite confusing and maybe invite false hope that parents might be considering reuniting. It’s important that parents explain the Christmas arrangements to their children, and, if appropriate, maybe get their ideas on how Christmas should be, and take them into consideration.
If the parental split was less than amicable, it may be that children have to split their festive season between both parents and their extended families. This can prove quite tricky for some. Of course, there will be many factors that come in to play when trying to decide how best to manage this. If the separated parents live quite a distance apart, then logistically, it may not be possible to split Christmas Day in half, as it were, so that children spend half their time with both parents. Even if parents live quite close to each other it can be quite disruptive to ask children to leave one home to go to the other on December 25th, when all they want to do is play with their presents.
I am sure it won’t be the same in every case, but most children that I speak with consider it a bonus to get two Christmas Days; one with each parent. Unfortunately, and I would include my own experience in this, it is hugely difficult for parents to accept the idea that they may not see their child on Christmas Day and it can lead to all sorts of heated discussions between both parents before they can reach some sort of mutually acceptable arrangement, whilst trying to put the needs of the children first. A lot of families I have worked with usually alternate Christmas arrangements, whatever they might be, so what one parent feels they miss out on one year, they get the following year.
If a separated parent has embarked on a new relationship and their new partner also has children, there can be twice the complexity in managing the festive arrangements. Bringing two families together can bring a lot of pleasure but also some heartaches.
The Christmas period can feel as if parents are doing nothing but ferrying children back and forth, cooking meals and clearing up with very little opportunity to relax and enjoy Christmas in the way that they would like. It is hard work, but children will appreciate all the efforts that parents have made when they reflect on their childhood memories in later life.
It’s incredibly tough to negotiate all the challenges that Christmas brings to separated families, but with empathy, understanding and tolerance, a reasonable conclusion can be achieved.
Probably the most important thing you can do for your children at Christmas is to try, as best you can, to put their needs first, keep difficult conversations private and just between yourselves and to keep conflict to a minimum.
Children will want to spend time with both parents enjoying old traditions and making some new memories together. If they know that they have both parents blessing to enjoy their time in both homes that will relieve any stress that they might have.
If you are a Brethertons client trying to manage Christmas as a separated family, you would like to discuss any difficulties, please do contact me: elizabethheadley@brethertons.co.uk.